I'm not strong. I'm just trying to hold on. I'm not brave. I'm just betting with everything I have. I'm not without temper. I'm just trying my best to understand. Sometimes I think I'm too childish with things, but what have I really gained with all these? I'm on the verge right now.. Trying to hold on to this thinnest part of the rope.. I'm not asking you to catch my fall, it would be enough to pull me up and let me walk myself out.

累了....

Talked with a friend today. Have been ages I think.. Talked about the good days. Coming to the topic of our good old argument. Fidelity. I have argued with many others through the years about this. What does it really mean to a person? I have come across a very good quote on this that was sent by a friend(although I cannot remember what exactly the words were, I quite remember the thought). It says that it is not wrong to have flings with the opposite sex when you're not in a relationship, but once you're into one, know your boundaries, playing with fire might be fun, but in the end, when all is gone, all you have is yourself to weep.

Time has not changed both of us. But being into this relationship has changed some thinking(as I believed) The last time I had an argument about this was with my special someone. If I remembered correctly, I was having the fidelity thought in my mind as an essential thing in every relationship. But he asked what do you really mean by fidelity and then I remembered being asked this and that.

Now, after an afternoon arguing, what is the extent of "fidelity"? Is it just about being contented? I believe it's more of a discipline. It is a choice. You being contented, being careful of what you already have. True that in this world, there are always things that is more beautiful than what you have, but once you see something better and left what you already have, is there any guarantee that you will be happy(for the mean time maybe). To what extent then? Meeting someone from the net? Being with an old flame? Sparking some new fire from somewhere? I was thinking, what if this happened to me? To what extent would I be able to accept it from my partner?

From here, to what extent now am I willing to forgive? I have much patience, but if it runs out, I'm near the point of no return. On my perspective before, I would be very much willing to leave everything behind if there would be such thing. But i have no sure answer right now.

But one thing I am pretty sure right now is that honesty never run out of fashion. Honesty in the sense that the partner is the first one to give the information not after a whole lot of questioning dawned upon him.

What a girl NEED to find out she will. Tried and tested. So don't try to conceal things from the gals.

I think i'm paying the price for speaking too little and feeling too much.  Sensitivity never come easy from guys doesn't it?  :'(
Wanting so little yet it's still too much.

我不喜欢哭。。因为哭了就会忘记自己是为什么而哭。。
有一些事记在心里，安静了下来，回想看看，会想得更清楚。。
可是有时候，事情想清楚了会更痛。。
我就是这样，常常把一些事憋在心里，到了极点就会爆发。。
人嘛，谁不会哭？开心会笑到哭，痛了也一定会哭的。。

....

I know I am happy and satisfied with what I have right now but the dreams/nightmares that I keep having for the past few days keeps me wondering about everything. I know dreams are only dreams, they won't happen in real life. But I also believe too that you see dreams because one way or another, there is something that you need to know.

I'm happy being in this relationship, really. Maybe as they say, people get used to being around someone else and being too comfortable around that particular person. I am also a human, although I don't demand much out of a person, I still need to feel special none the less.

I am happy for the past few months, but I don't know, I always felt that something's lacking. Maybe some will say I think too much, some might say you're insecure, some will say you're superstitious. But what else should you really believe in in this world but your instinct and the feelings you have.

I keep having dreams about your ex's.. Tell me if I'm wrong.. I dreamt of you two being together again against the odds. When I wake up and see reality, the feeling you give me is that you still love her. I felt like nothing but just a passerby in your life. I don't know how long can I still fight for what I see vs. what I feel. I don't know if I can hold on to the promises you made or give it up to what I feel...

I know this might seem childish, but I hope that you still remember the kind of person that I was and still am. I look not for the riches one have, I can earn it on my own. I don't look for any material thing, I can get it by my own also. What I need is the heart that can keep a promise. The one promise that said he can love me for the rest of his life. The one that promised who said that I am the one. The one who said he won't lie to me no matter what. The one who promised that he will not make me cry. Just a simple promise, I gave everything. All that I was expecting in return is the honesty.

happy 6th...

Oh how time flies by when you're happy to be with the one you love...
6 months seems like 6 days passing by and somewhat like 6 years of being together...
I love every second of being with you. Although there are a couple of times that I cried not being able to see you and times that I felt you were taking me for granted, I still love you for being you.
Don't change, but if you do, change for the better.. I will always be here for you..